It is March 10 and 2 months from this time I will very likely be in Utah. As exciting as that sounds, excited is the last word I'd use to describe where my head's at right now. I have been and always will be one for new experiences, new places and all they entail...but the grounds for my move coupled with the alternatives I've chose against leaves me feeling nothing but upset.
You see, living in a place where work coincides with play has always been a dream of my for some time. When I say coincides i don't mean to say it's close, or easily accessible...they are instead one in the same. It is in this huge difference that much of my unsettling feelings arise. These feelings have only been magnified over the past couple weeks in my trying to explain myself to others...to no avail of course. That is understandable though...how can I expect others to truly empathize with my situation when they haven't felt what i've felt, seen what I've seen or experienced what I've experienced. I've felt and continue to feel the greatest happiness I've ever known or can imagine. I've seen some of the most beautiful things mother nature has to offer...and I see it everyday. Sitting here writing this is excruciating. I've experienced unparalleled highs, pushed my boundaries beyond my imagination and been as open as I can - all of which has lead to a great expansion of my consciousness and realizing what brings me the greatest joys in life. These things are simple and I love sharing them with others in work. This is a life I've always wanted and if I go through with PT school I'll be leaving it. That burns deep and the anxious pain sucks. The people I know and have met here live this life I speak of. It's not the normal path but it's certainly one where the priorities are aligned with mine. Financial stability and security are secondary to having fun and living life with the intent of doing that which we enjoy all the time. Sometimes I feel like those that are trying to 'help' me in this potential transition can't comprehend such a life and for that I am sorry, I am sorry for you all.
'Make a pro's and con's list...'
'You can't do this forever Nick'
'What if you get hurt?'
'You can have the best of both worlds'
'You'll thank us later'
'You're thinking all with your heart and not with your head'
'You're too smart to not go'
These are just some of these things I've been told recently. The lack of support alone is upsetting to me. What if I bail on school and actually do what I want? Seems like many would be unhappy with me huh? That hurts. I've only had one friend who didn't try to talk me out of doing what I want...school or not. Thank you.
What if being an instructor was lucrative? Would you all be so concerned with my future then? I'd venture to say not.
I'm frightened. 3 years is a long time for someone who's gone through what I have. One week is a long time for someone who's gone through what I have. Anytime is a long time when it's a full-time commitment to something I haven't wanted for some time now.
This is starting to stray and my emotions are scrambling my thoughts every which way. Until next time, I'll continue on this single wide...
